Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
