i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
