Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
