I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
