I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
