There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
