I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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