He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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