plz talk dirty to me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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