Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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