Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
