I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
