Actions speak louder than pants.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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