I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
