the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."