Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
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I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga