I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well