dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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