Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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