Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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