You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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