i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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