I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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