david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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