when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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