I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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