im about as happy as oj after his trial
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
