I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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