i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
