Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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