no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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