He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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