Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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