so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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