We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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