I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
