my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
