I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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