He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
