I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
