Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
