some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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