Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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