seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
