Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
