i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
