mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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