normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
