better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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