where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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