Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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