i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
