dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
