Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Couch. On fire.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
