The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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