genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
