They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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