It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How does one acquire holy water?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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