my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
