i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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