I looked at my own cervix.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
